22 PUNCHMAGAZINE.COM {quickpunch} When’s the last time you upgraded your sleigh? I’ve been flying this beauty since 1903. They don’t make them like this anymore, with hand-carved maple trim and red velvet upholstery. I added a cupholder back in the ‘90s and an electric seat warmer in 2005. That seat warmer is a total game-changer. Is there any truth to the rumors that Waymo is working on an electric driverless sleigh? I would never replace my hardworking team of reindeer! So you haven’t seen reports that your own reindeer are backing this technology? Just a moment … “Crumpet! Drop everything and go tell the reindeer that we’re doubling their daily ration of carrots, effective immediately!” To answer your question: I have no comment at this time. What are a few of your favorite things? Tiny marshmallows in my hot cocoa, a clear night when the aurora borealis lights up the sky and a long weekend with Mrs. Claus at our time-share in Barbados. What’s the strangest gift you’ve ever been given? A necktie. Do I look like a necktie guy? I’ve never worn a tie in my life! What’s the dumbest way you’ve gotten injured? I got distracted by a spectacular shooting star and walked right into a satellite dish while on a rooftop in Kuala Lumpur. Do you collect anything? Tropical fish. THE Q & A SANTA CLAUS What does Mrs. Claus do that warms your heart? She always has words of encouragement and hugs for the elves. And I love her laugh—it’s exactly like mine. I know I’m home when I hear her resounding “Ho ho ho!” Who’s your favorite reindeer? That’s like choosing a favorite child. I love them all equally. Why did you stop giving coal to naughty children? Coal makes a real mess, so I’ve been swapping it out for a renewable resource: stale fruitcakes. What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done? I once visited the Abominable Snowman’s ice cave on a dare. Let’s just say I won’t be doing shots of peppermint schnapps with my buddies again any time soon. Abby (that’s his nickname, we’re friends now) can be pretty scary when he’s ticked off. When’s the last time you saw Buddy the elf? I see him every summer. He and his family bought a condo next to ours in Barbados. If you thought his tights didn’t leave much to the imagination, you should see his bathing suit! What’s life like up at the North Pole? The commute to work can get a little hectic with dodging all those polar bears and walruses. Plus Jack Frost is always nipping at your nose … but I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. The view of frozen tundra and the Northern Lights never gets old. What is your favorite day of the year? December 26. Santa (AKA Kris Kringle) spills secrets about life at the North Pole, pro tips for fixing up the ol’ sleigh and why he’s stopped giving coal to naughty kids.
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